Journeying into Whole-heartedness

::Songs that bring healing to my heart::

2012-01-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

So many of you know that I'm a singer. I love to sing SO much!! God has gifted me, helped me develop that gift (still is!) and TOTALLY speaks to me through music a ton! So I want to just give you a glimpse into the journey of my heart through the past few months by giving you the lines of songs that I've woken up with on my heart, or people have spoken to me, or I have just felt the Lord singing over me lately. Hopefully this ministers to YOU as well.

"They don't know that I go runnin' home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just a while. 'Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child." (Twila Paris:: Warrior is a Child)

"...You told me who I am, now in faith I believe it. My soul can't help but sing, "hallelujah!" ... You made a place for me, silenced all my accusers. Leading me forth with peace, filled with joy I will follow. Your cross demands my life, now Your grace is my anthem. My soul can't help but sing, "hallelujah!" (Gateway Worship:: God be Praised)

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is Your faithfulness, oh Lord. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is Your faithfulness." (Um.. classic)

"I've got a river of Living Water. A fountain that never will run dry. It's an open heaven, You're releasing. That we will never be denied. Cause we're stirrin' up deep, deep wells. We're stirring up deep, deep waters. We're gonna dance in the river, dance in the river. Cause we're stirrin' up deep, deep wells. We're stirring up deep, deep waters. We're gonna jump in the river, jump in the river.
Deep cries out to deep cries out to You! Deep cries out to deep cries out to You! We cry out to we cry out to You Jesus!
We're falling into deeper waters, calling out to You. We're walking into deeper waters, going after You." (Deep Cries Out:: Bethel Live)

"You satisfy, You satisfy me, You satisfy my weary, weary soul." (Not sure)

"And I... I'm desperate for You. And I... I'm lost without You." (Oldie but goodie)

"If I'm your beloved, can you help me believe it? Tell me once again who I am to you, who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to you, that I belong to You! I'm the one You love.. I'm the one You love.. that will be enough... I'm the one You love!" (Jason Gray:: Remind Me Who I Am)

May God speak to you through songs, and even these as you read them (or sing them)!

Holocost, Abortion, Eternal Life...

2011-09-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

Watch this with a kleenex nearby. This is a powerful documentary tying together the holocost, abortion, and finally touching on eternal life. This makes my heart cry, "Come Lord Jesus!!"

I just want to give a "shout out" to my mother here. She has volunteered at Birthright, a crisis pregnancy center, for my whole life, years and years. She tells women the truth about abortion, gives them options like adoption, and prays with them and lovingly helps meet their needs. She has pictures of babies sent to her of babies that she talked the mom out of aborting... She, by the grace and power of Jesus, is saving lives. I praise God for this example of love lived out before me. Thanks mom for giving so much time to this... it's going to be worth every second when you meet the babies' Maker! I love you mom.

Call to Go Deeper-

2011-07-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

"Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.
My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom"
-Song of Solomon 2:13b-15

I feel the call upon my life to go deeper. He's calling me out saying, "Arise, come Amy, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me..." You know when every message that is preached, every book you pick up, every conversation is all saying to you the same theme. It's like in the Word of God when something is repeated a lot, you know to really listen up. I feel like in my life, as something is repeated a lot, it's God's way of saying, "Hey, listen up- this is important- this is for you." For me it's been a theme of going deeper, going higher, more consecration (being set-apart for Him), more of Him in the secret place. It reminds me of the book, "Secrets of the Secret Place" by Bob Sorge. He talks in the first chapter about The Secret of Saying Yes. I feel an urgency placed upon my heart to know Him more, to set apart time to seek Him, to set time apart for the place of prayer. And it's not a heavy, "ugh.. really? Do I have to do this?" kind-of thing. It feels liberating. I have these butterflies in my tummy like, "oh.. this is gonna be good. This is gonna be real good." So I guess I just wanted to write-it-out as a declaration, as a way of me saying, "yes," to the call I feel upon my heart.

I will waste my life at His feet.
I will draw near as He calls me out.
I will make room in my heart for Him by getting rid of clutter- the weights and sin that so easily entangles.
I will sacrifice time and energy to seek Him, to know Him.
I will set my face to loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
I will persevere when I don't feel anything- because love is deeper than just a feeling.
I will resolve like David to seek you.

"My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek."
-Psalm 27:8

Free, Fought For, Finally "Me"!

2011-06-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

This song speaks so much to me right now, I am free by His blood. Fought for and desired by God. And Freed to be "me", my true self, the way God made me, not tied down by lies or patterns of my "old man" but in Christ a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come!!!

You saved my life from death
When I was all defeated
You spoke Your promises
And brought life to my weakness
Came as a conquering King
And You warred for my freedom
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah

You opened up my eyes
For the first time I saw You
Your love commanding life
And deserving devotion
You told me who I am
Now in faith I believe it
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah

You’ve made a place for me
Silenced all my accusers
Leading me forth with peace
Filled with joy I will follow
Your cross demands my life
Now Your grace is my anthem
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah

Hallelujah, we’re redeemed and made free
By the blood of the Lamb We have won
Hallelujah, we will sing victory
Jesus conquered the grave
God be praised

Never assume when riding busses in Turkey!

2011-02-24T12:31:00.001-08:00

As many of you know, I had the amazing privilidge to go to SE Turkey for a week long "vision trip". I met many really great people, saw a couple awesome Cities, got connected with the prayer ladies in town (which was AWESOME), and prayed and asked God if this would be a place to return to in the future. No conclusions yet, but the trip was an overall success! (Thanks for your support and prayers to make it possible!!)

While I was so close to Antioch, I HAD to take a bus ride to see this ancient City and meet some workers there and also see some historical places (like Peter's church, a church where the very Peter of the NT supposedly spoke at, see my youtube video of it here.) It was a very cool City, and I got to hang out with a whole Y team that was there, so that was super fun.

On the way home, I learned a very valuable lesson that I will never forget. I had a backpack and two plastic bags of things. I went an hour early to buy my bus ticket, reserved for me by a friend the night before. Bought my ticket, and the lady tells me (in Turkish) where to set my things. So I set my bags by a few other bags and I go off to the bus station cafe for some chai and toast (aka a grilled cheese sandwich). As I was eating lunch, I noticed that there were three police watching me and talking about me. After I finish, one of the police ask (in English) if I would join them. I politely refuse, but they insisted, and were smiling so I pulled up a chair. They were actually security guards, two men and one woman. One of the men spoke English, so we talked and they bought me some Turkish coffee (my first experience). It was like a sweetened espresso.

I was having so much fun talking to these guards that I looked down at my phone and realized my bus was about to leave! I said goodbye to my new friends after exchanging emails, and went to board the bus. I showed the man my ticket and got on the bus. My security friends saw me to the bus and watched as I left. (Very Turkish and hospitable of them!)

Here I am riding in the nice charter bus on the way back to SE Turkey. The bus even had a mini TV for each passenger and a choice of movies! I watched one of the only in English, "Horton Hears a Who." I was leaving for Baku the next morning. We got to the City in SE Turkey, and I walked down and looked under the bus...

oh.....

no....

My 3 bags weren't there. :( I talked to the "bus boy", and asked (in Turkish) where my bags were. He didn't know. I asked him if he could call the bus station in Antioch (Antakya), and after asking three times (insisting) he did. He found out that all my bags were there. It was 5:45 and another bus left for the City I was in at 6pm. So they put my bags on that bus. Phew! And I don't even speak Turkish! (Azeri to Turkish is like Portugese to Spanish, so I could somewhat communicate..) Obviously, I had a little help from above by the perfect timing of it all!

So my host family in SE Turkey had to take me back to their apartment, and then back out to the bus station at 10:30pm to get my bags. But they all three made it!

It was God's grace that I got to learn my lesson ( Always, ALWAYS when traveling by bus, check make sure your bags are put underneath the bus. Never assume. Never assume anything.) and still get my bags just in time! Got my bags at 11pm, and left for Baku at 8am the next day!

Praise God!! (Shukkur Allaha!)

Best Friends Forever!!

2010-12-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Noelle and I (and Jasper, one of her cats) at her house, by her REAL mini tree!

Noelle, Chinara, and I (and Theo, the other cat).

Me at the BRC (Baku Roasting Company) by their tree!

Chinara and I enjoying sugar cookie lattes at the BRC during tutoring!

I am so grateful for these ladies in my life. We've been studying John together, living life together, and I feel as though I can be completely transparent with them! Praise God for such friends!

A Fish out of water...but YOU are my home!

2010-10-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

What's NEW?

-I teach English at a new place (the BRC) where it's all different and new. It's been hard to leave the ILC where I used to teach, leave co-worker friends and especially the amazing Kingdom-centered staff there. I just honestly miss it, miss them.
-We quite possibly will be moving within the month (which means moving AWAY from many of my dear friends/store-keepers). Which means more missing people, more meeting new people and adjusting to living in a new place- new busses, new store-keepers, new home.

This is a time of many difficult changes for me. I feel the tension, the pull, the confusion. I've been telling people that I feel like a fish out of water... but I realized tonight that I need to cling to truth in this time- and what's true is this:

*Where You are... is my home. "I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be my son." -Revelation 21:6-7

*I am a stranger here... a sojourner. "they (men and women who lived by faith) admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth...they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one." -Heb. 11:13,16

*You are with me and for me forever. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Matt. 28:20b "But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill." -Psalm 3:3-4

*You make all things work together for my good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

*You are constant. Your love is consistent, never fails, and sticks with me through ups and downs. "But in all these things (trials, trouble, lack, distress, war) we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. (Nothing) will be able to separate us from the love of God.." -Romans 8:37, 39

Thanks God, for the reminder that You know me, You know exactly how I feel. You know just what I need and when I need it. You are with me, You are my help, my strength. You are my deepest, dearest friend, walking right beside me bearing with me. Your love is stronger than death, Your love defeats all lies. Truth in Your voice breaks through the foggy lies and humbles me and comforts me. Thanks for giving me grace to persevere through every day, through every trial that comes my way. My heart overflows with love for You tonight as I remember Your promises.

Some Serious Goals

2010-08-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

A few things I want to do real soon:

1. Go camping. Ah, fresh air...sleeping under the stars...s'mores by the fire...singing old camp songs; I can picture it now!! Is this even possible for women in Azerbaijan? (That's where I am currently living if you've been out of my loop for 7 months...) :)

2. Spend a whole day just baking! Cooking and baking makes me so happy, and I have so many breads and fancy desserts that I'm dying to try to make if I just had the time to dedicate to it! Ree {www.thepioneerwoman.com} has a stellar recipe up for homemade cinnamon bread... mmm!

3. Get my hair chopped off. I'm serious people, I am ready for a change! I think I'm gonna just wack it all off... it's still really stinkin' hot, so it will be nice & cool for the end of the summer!

4. Sit down & write some songs to Song of Songs. It's been on my heart to sing the Song of Songs sort of in story format, the way the book "Hind's Feet on High Places" is written. I want to take the time to just meditate on the Word and begin writing by the grace of God!

5. Buy a can opener. Yes, random. But needed none the less. I'm sick of prying open cans with a random tool I found in the drawer- thank God I haven't cut my hand off yet! This is a serious need people, seriously!

Well, I hope this has been both educational and inspiring. I will try to keep this blog more consistant, so stay tuned for more ramblings and stories! :)

Love, Amy

Easter

2010-05-31T02:21:00.000-07:00

Easter was a wonderful experience for us here in Central Asia. We had six local girls over to our house, with five American girls helping. And we made a wonderful elaborate Easter dinner, made our guests an Easter basket hunt with clues in their own language (which they LOVED) , and talked about the real meaning of Easter over tea after dinner with our three closest friends who stayed later. It was beautiful, a day that was significant on several levels. Here are our friends:

Nargiz, Breanna (on our team), and Lina.

Arzu and Aynura

Nargiz, Lina, Arzu, Muscan, Aynura, me, and Nata.
Breanna, Leslie, and Chelsea (Nicola taking photo)

Nargiz, Lina, Arzu, Muscan, Aynura, and Nata

Praise God for giving us friends we can love and enjoy to be with. Praise Him for His power to raise His Son from the grave, the resaon we celebrate Easter. And Praise Him for the ability to be here in Central Asia!

Testify He really IS Faithful!!

2010-01-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

This is the story of my weakness meeting God's strength and supplying my every need.

We experience a need or hear about someone in need and automatically think, "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19
This is truth if we are His Sons and Daughters, He tells us that if we "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (food, clothing, basic provisions) will be given to you as well". -Matt 6:33 I want to testify that He is faithful and worthy to be praised in all seasons of the soul, in plenty and in need, and it's clicking into my heart that It's much more than money and It's so much bigger than me!

From January 2009--> October 2009 I was on staff with Bethany House of Prayer in Minneapolis area MN. I was blessed to learn how to sit at His feet, and learned that this isn't only for a specific season in my life, but it's a life long calling for me to be a "Mary" and choose the better --> sitting and listening to Him no matter what else is going on all around me.

Most of my teammates started support raising to go overseas in August, but because I choose to stay with the House of Prayer, I didn't get started until just before Thanksgiving in November.
November to early December I was 3% funded.
Went from 3-30% funded in December. There was a point that I doubted if I would be able to go- but even when I was faithless, God was faithful!! (2 Tim. 2:13) I felt a bit of depression, forgotten, and my heart was weakening as I felt guilty for not doing enough or trying hard enough (I was believing in a lot of lies!)
The second to last week in December finances went from 30-60%, in less than a week!! I went to the International House of Prayer, and as I sought the Lord I felt shame and guilt break off my heart for feeling "not enough". This was Phase 1 of getting at my heart.
From Christmas til Jan.7th funds went from 60-86% I went to IHOP again for a conference, and this time friends that I stayed with prayed over me and prophesied over me, again, breaking off shame-- helping me to see that God is with me, and has gone before me. Phase 2 of getting to the deep places of my heart!
And from Jan. 7th--> Jan. 16th I went past 100%, I saw my God to do beyond all that I ask or imagine to Him be the glory! (Eph. 3:20-21) Now I can take more women out to tea! Praise be to God!

Thank you to all who have been involved in sending me, praying and giving- I am honored to have such amazing support around me! You are giving the Nations a gift- let all the Nations praise Him! Thanks for sending me to be the fragrance of Christ, I am weak, but HE IS STRONG!

Why is Prayer so Important?

2009-11-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

A good friend recently asked me a honest question, "Why is prayer so important other than Jesus commands it and it's expected of us. And why is the development of a mature prayer life so necessary? I'm just curious to know how you feel about it, or if you know of any other sources I can look into. I mean I have an idea and stuff, I just need to know how to clarify it."

Oh man woman.. you would give me a question like this, and make me think! :) First of all, as I am typing this out, I'm realizing that I have so much to learn. I want to know "why I pray" even more, and not just do things out of obligation or ritual (Jesus would HATE that, sounds an awful lot like the Pharisees!)

I want my mind to be "washed by the water of the Word" (Eph. 5:26), that I would "no longer be conformed to the pattern of the world, but transformed by the renewing of my mind" (Rom 12:2). That is why I quote scripture a lot, I don't want man's opinion, but God's opinion on things, so I am trying, humbly knowing I won't even scrape the surface, to sort out by the Word why prayer is important.

Speaking of man's opinions, let me suggest a few books for you. The Word is primary in its teaching on prayer, there's so much to dive into and learn about, but I love these two books too! Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets is phenomenal teaching on prayer. It actually has a TON of scripture in it, which is why I love it. Also, Prayer by Richard Foster. This is a classic, and it has all the types of prayer, and is jam packed with scripture, easy and fun to read. This is a must own book!!

Let's see, Jesus not only commands it, He models it. Matt.14:23, Mark 6:46, (prays all night here) Luke 6:12. In these passages, He goes away to a mountainside to pray. But there is a call in the Word to a private prayer life (modeled by Jesus in those passages) and a corporate prayer life where we gather together and cry out as His body (ex. Joel 2:15-16 "Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast,call a sacred assembly.Gather the people, consecrate the assembly;").

Prayer is our lifeline. It's the way we connect to God. Think of a relationship between a girl and a guy. Let's say a guy named Peter was interested in me. How do we get to know each other? By spending time together talking. Same with God, we get to know Him by talking to Him AND (something we Evangelicals can have a hard time understanding) LISTENING to Him speak to us. Now I'm not talking the audible voice of God, but that deposit in your spirit, when you realize, "I totally didn't think of that, that was God." Prayer is our way to "remain in Him" Jn. 15. Apart from Him we can do NOTHING. Now we both know that we can do a LOT apart from Him, on our own strength without relying or trusting in Him... but will it produce anything that will last for the Kingdom of God? Nope. When Jesus comes, the quality of our work will be tested by fire. (1 Cor. 3:11-13) Anything built with wood, hay, or straw (ex. anything done by our own strength, building up our own name or wealth, even good things done when that's not what he's asking of us to do) will be burned in the fire (and will be found out as meaningless in the end -like Solomon the wisest man that lived said in Ecclesiastes, "meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chase after the wind. Fear God and obey Him." - a summary by me). But whatever doesn't burn up when He comes -what was made with costly stones, gold, or silver- (ex. fruit that will last (jn.15) this is not only souls won to Jesus like we typically think of "fruit" being, but anything produced along the way by KNOWING God through prayer, hearing His voice (jn 10) and following Him (Matt.16:24) ) we will receive reward for! It's so crazy, just think about it for a minute.

We- saved by grace, by nothing that we do, just by accepting a gift of Salvation, are adopted into God's family. Now we are Sons and Daughters of the Almighty God. Now because of MERCY (Jesus' blood poured out bearing the wrath of God for our sin) we can approach the throne of grace with confidence (Heb.4:16), and receive mercy in our times of need. And simply because we are His children, He wants to hear from us. He LOVES our voices (Song of Solomon 2:14 "Show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely") . It's a completely ridiculously extravagant honor, a privilege only given to us by Jesus' shed blood, that we CAN communicate with God. Not only CAN we, but when we do, we receive REWARDS for letting God move and work through us. WOWZERS!

Now why do we consider prayer a "must do" to somehow get "brownie points" with God? Oh God open up my eyes to see the gift that prayer really is! To get to speak to and hear the Living God speak! Help me to "pray without ceasing" with joy and thanksgiving, because it is my one true source of life! You are the One who, as we come to know you more, we begin to see that all life and truth are in! There is nothing or no one that compares!

She responded with several wonderful insights as well.. but due to length, I'll save that for another day! Feel free to comment- why is prayer so important?

Learning to Trust in His Goodness

2009-11-21T12:33:00.000-08:00

It is something that we have doubted since creation: the goodness of God.

Is He really always good? All the time?

Eve was tricked into thinking that somehow God held out on her in the garden, (Gen. 3:1-6) that there was something GOOD that He wasn't giving her and Adam.

How many times do I accuse God (maybe not by speaking, but by not trusting) of withholding good from me?

"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
-Psalm 84:11b

Do I believe it? Does it show by my lifestyle, do I in all things have abandoned faith, knowing that He is good- and will not withhold good from me?

Maybe what I think to be my good, isn't really good at all.
Maybe He will show up at the last minute... to test if I really do trust Him.
Maybe He will let what I can see as good pass by for a season, letting me cling more tightly to Him as I walk through the valley.

God is good. All the time.

Things I most miss about Minnesota

2009-11-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

Just a few images to go with the FACES that I miss, but so many more could be added here.

First of all: BLESS GOD for the changing of seasons. He is good. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it. But I thought I would do this post, as a sort of close to this past season of life, living in Bloomington MN, working with formar Bethany House of Prayer, and living on the Bethany College campus.

Things I miss most about MN:
(these are not in order, except the first one!)

1) Pictured above. And the Ring the Bell team (we need to get a picture together!) Nikki and Carrie. And so so many more!
2) Singing harp and bowl style (Thanks Dave and Jen who made it possible for me to do a impromptu harp and bowl set over Ps. 27:4 the other day when I was visiting!)
3) The way you have to drive like 20 min. to get ANYwhere, here in Ames 20 min. is the absolute FARTHEST you'd have to drive, most places are just 4 min. away.
4) The community of Bethany, you're NEVER alone, even when you are taking a nap or are alone in your room with your door shut. People always finding you, always hugging you, always encouraging you! I LOVE THIS. (97.3 % of the time..)
5) The CHILDREN and ELDERLY all around. Man, that is a treasure. Shout out to Noah (my little mosquito) and Delaney (who I am tearing up thinking about how much I love!) and Props to my adopted Grandparents Leroy and Vonnie Dugan-- man I love you guys!
6) The way Jesus is put on display in conversations... I didn't realize how much I missed it until I experienced lots of empty chatter in other places... Lift up the name of Jesus, He's all that matters, in the words of Jon Thurlow "Everything else is fading away, only Love only Love remains"
7) Pastor Matt and Dave Willcock and Bethany Church in general. What a wonderful team that is listening to what God's doing and how He's doing it, and then stepping out in obedience. I love this place.
8) Tuesday Fasting Chapel. Coming together on Tuesdays, fasting corporately, and crying out to the Lord as a community. SO IMPORTANT!! So encouraging, so shifting things, so the Lord's heart for His people!
9) Studying the Word with my friends. There's nothing like a few hours in the prayer room with friends studying the same passage, and then coming together to discuss it!!
10) Pictured above. (I know I cheated and said this one twice.. but people always make the place..) There are so many special people that live in MN-- love you all. Thanks for loving me!

Dealing with Rejection

2009-07-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

The BHOP team is studying the emotions of God, and I choose to study the passages around the cross. I was reading today about when the Son was taunted, and just asking the Holy Spirit what was He feeling, what was this like? Matt. 27:43 is the verse I got stuck on. The Jews walking by, His very own people saying that to Him. It's crazy how David wrote about it years before the Son came to earth in Psalm 22:7-8.

I've come to think that Jesus was at perfect peace when they taunted him so harshly. Because of one thing, He was living to please His Father alone. That's why the insult was so cruel, because it put to question the love of the Father for Him, but words couldn't persuade Him-- what He knew deep in His heart. His Father had spoken audibly at His baptism Matt. 3:17 That He was well pleased with His Son. And for as much time as Jesus snuck away to a mountain to be with His Father, you know He got that established in His heart, that His Father was FOR HIM. So Jesus was empowered for ministry knowing that He was not working for the favor or the approval of His Father, for He already Had that. He was just asking the Father what He was doing, and joined in doing it on the earth, that men might know God.

That's what we need too, so desperately, to know the affection that our Father has for us. That we would be so sure of that, so secure in that, established in that, resting in that. That nothing could move us because that is our goal, and through the Son, we have reached our goal already. We are fully pleasing in every way, He is well-pleased with us, not because of what we do, but because we are His. We are bought at a price, we're now His children. Because of who we are, He loves us, with the SAME LOVE that He has for His Son. So when we face trial or rejection or praise, we can be unshaken knowing that we live for an audience of One, and we already know how He feels about us.

Book recommendation: Dealing with the Rejection and Praise of Man by Bob Sorge

Cause I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane...

2009-06-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm Going to Central Asia!

Yipi-hi-yi-YAY! I'm leaving on a jet plane, but I do know when I'll be back again. :) I'll be leaving on Jan. 16th for 16 months! Let me know if you want more information, and I'll give you the password to my very own website about the trip! I'm going as part of my education, the program is one full year through the summer in Bloomington MN (which I did last year) and then a year and a half overseas, and then 4 more months in MN for a BA in Cross-Cultural Communications.

I will be doing a variety of things during my time in Central Asia. Taking classes (focusing on the Epistles, letters to the churches) learning the language, studying the culture, teaching english for about 20 hours a week, and being involved in the house of prayer that the full time workers over there have started. It excites me a lot to be involved in the house of prayer because this has to do with my full time calling as I wrote about in one of my first blogs-- to start up prayer rooms in Mus*lim countries. This calling may seem outragious and huge, so far beyond me-- but look at the God we serve, just like Him to call me to something so ridiculously beyond my ability!

Hurray, the Lord has called me and the Lord has provided- He's a good father!! If anyone wants email updates, just let me know your email address, and I'll add you! Grace & Peace to you.

Enjoying Every Little Moment

2009-05-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I've been learning how to enjoy walking with the Lord lately. Yesterday I had a half hour in between work at Starbucks and a Bethany House of Prayer forerunner gathering meeting and I took a walk in the back 40 acres (we have a nice little path and big field right by BCOM where I love to play) and I just talked to the Lord a little bit, almost as if He was my "imaginary friend". But I giggled a little bit as I walked because it was so great, it was as if we were really taking a walk together. And just like when a couple gets to know each other, they'll do things like that, go on walks and just talk-- I felt the deep significance of my short walk with the Lord.

I talked to Him about a conversation I had with a co-worker about being on staff with the House of Prayer, and how that was different from a church. I explained to Jeff at Starbucks earlier that day, "Yeah, I realize that it might sound a little strange. (Talking about wanting to see Bethany House of Prayer go 24-7) But it's because I'm starting to see how prayer is THE most important thing I could do with my time." Then I began to ask the Lord that I would be bold in my loving God with all of my heart... unashamed of my glorious calling. Then I thanked Him for awakening my heart, thanked Him for His great love. And I twirled for a while, and then went to my meeting. I was thinking later that night about how delightful our walk was, and I realized that our little walk was a beautiful little picture of what it's like to walk in the Spirit.

How cool! He loves it when I walk with Him, talk to Him, share with Him, let Him speak His love over me. I mean, of course-- I say I have a "relationship" with Jesus, but I guess I've just forgotten what "relationship" means in many ways. Letting weights (from living according to the letter of the Law) tangle up my feet, when He calls my name, arms open wide, eyes full of compassion and love, beckoning me to come and be with Him. To take a walk with Him, get to know Him a little bit more. Oh the joy it is!

Sing to Him A New Song!

2009-03-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

This is a video of me playing the very first song that the Lord gave me. I have only been playing the guitar for about a month, and I had just been playing the guitar for a few hours so my fingers were good and sore by the time I played this, so give me grace as you hear me stumble along.. :)

The verses we were meditating on that day in the house of prayer were:

Song of Solomon 2:4-5 (I misquoted the reference in the video)

"He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his banner over me is love.

Strengthen me (with raisins,)
refresh me (with apples,)
for I am faint with love."

He is showing me so much about the deep impact it is on my heart to live as His beloved, as His treasured one. To have that mindset, that with one glance from our eyes, He is ravished. In all that He has as a King, in perfect unity and enjoyment with His Father and the Spirit, He is still enthralled by my beauty. And it's my gift to him in this age, while I don't yet see Him, I love Him, and at this mystery the angels look into with wonder. I will set my heart on a pilgrimage, on a journey from glory to glory, and I will love Him with all my heart by His great grace.

I pray that today He would sustain each of You with His Spirit, and refresh you with more of Jesus and reveal to your heart His great pleasure over your "weak glance" in His direction!!

Learning How to Walk

2009-02-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

As I am going through the first two months of being an intern with the Bethany House of Prayer I have often felt like a toddler learning how to walk.

This is a season of refinement, a time of "detox", if you will, from the spirit of the world (1 Cor. 2:12). I have begun to said no to so many lesser pleasures, things that are permissible but for me not beneficial. I often feel like the Shulammite in Song of Solomon when she recognizes the barrenness of her soul and cries out in desperation for Him.

I must seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him but did not find him. (Song of Solomon 3:2)

So here I go, stumbling along, with faith that He sees me and loves the process. Faith that those who seek will find, knowing that the treasure is worth the seeking out.

Fear the Lord

2009-01-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

From my last post til now the Lord has been revealing to me that fearing Him is how I will know Him in the way that my heart cries out to know Him:

Sunday-- Jeremy read this in church (a passage that has spoken to me a great deal, but I didn't realize the end of it!):

"I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." -Hosea 2:19-20

Monday-- The Lord gave me this passage in a 10 minute break at work:
"My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God."

-Proverbs 2:1-5

Wednesday(today)-- I opened my Bible to Song of Solomon but my eyes were fixed on Ecclesiates, the page before, and I read:

"The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep his commandments, because this applies to every person." -Ecclesiastes 11:13

I'm reading Drawing Near by John Bevere and here is a passage that I recently read speaking of those that say they know Jesus.

"You'll discover when people lack the fear of the Lord, they may call on Him but they gravitate towards fleshly appetites and the flesh is enmity with God, for it is not subject to the will of God (see Rom. 8:5-7). They are disobedient to His desires even though they call on His name, profess knowing Him, and believe He approves of their behavior. Their lack of obedience stems from a heart that lacks holy fear; the root of all disobedience, and the misconnect is clothed with the deception of 'knowing Jesus.'"

Oh God give me a holy fear of You. I will live subject to Your ways, Your will, Your command. I will live as a soldier waiting to receive their command. Jesus, break my will, get rid of it and give me Yours. I love the joy of obedience! Keep your hand upon me, crushing me, until I know that I am living and breathing and praying Your will! I will hold nothing in my heart but all You sow. I will be a sacrifice of righteousness and show you how much I love you even while I cannot yet see You! Thank you Lord for showing me that the key to knowing You is fearing You!

To Know You

2009-01-10T22:05:00.000-08:00

Today I was reading over my journal from last year when I first came to BCOM, and found this journal entry, which parallels so closely to my journal entries lately-- so it caught my attention. At first I was thinking, aw man, really? Am I in the same place Lord? But I'm more excited now that I take a closer look at them, because these are lifelong prayers & what I was made for-- to know the Living God more and more! I feel like in seeing these prayers line up, the Lord is showing me how faithful He is to me to keep me!

Check out my prayer 1.9.2008:

"I pour out everything within me at your feet Abba, I have nothing to offer you, nothing to please you with, only my brokenness my weakness my past failures my present insecurities my silly little small life-- but God I will not waste it on anything here tangible-- no ministry, no person, none but You. For who can hold a light to Your fullness. A glimpse of You is better than a lifetime of sin. Help me see You as You are-- give me a revelation of Your goodness. A fresh dose of your joy-- a renewed heart of readiness! Help me not relate to You as if you were a mere man-- a faulted friend. Let me hold nothing from you, let me revere and Fear You. Give me understanding that I might see You and serve You rightly. I just want to find all my joy in You, every source of life from the Spirit! Give me more of You-- more guidance from Your Spirit-- more reality of who You are. God I am so humbled that You would care so much for me to bring me here, to grow, to soak in wisdom & see who You are. Praise You Father, thank you! Love You Dad, love You."

Now check out chunks from my journal this week (1.8-1.10.2009):

"Oh that I would have a healthy fear of the Lord-- I don't have near enough, and the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (of God) (Prov. 1:7). And my heart cry is to know Him intimately, just to know Him! Psalm 25:14 'Friendship with the Lord is for those who fear Him.'"
"Blessed is the man who trusts not in the strength of a man, but who leans on God alone. (song that spoke to me) Yes Lord!"
"Rev. 15:4, 'Who shall not fear You, O Lord, and glorify Your name? For You alone are Holy. For all nations shall come and worship before You.'"
"I will run and not look back. I will lay aside my unbelief of You somehow withholding from me-- oh make me see You for who You are. Let me not be deceived as Eve was, but let me see You clearly."
"I will press in to You- when it gets hard. I will say yes to the wilderness-- to dryness and bordom even, to know who You are. You are altogether lovely! It is my true desire, the one thing, the very thing my heart yearns for: to know You my Lord, my God. To see you rightly. Open my eyes today, I want to love you more."
"Above all else, I want to know You, to be one with You-- Jesus! (song of my heart)"

"The power twins of the kingdom are the Fear of the Lord and Humility."
Quote from a book I'm reading "Drawing Near-- A life of intimacy with God" by John Bevere (Which the whole book is crazy lined up with these prayers and what I've been reading in the Word! When God wants me to get something, He really drives it home with confirmations, which I love because I feel like it's almost like He's saying, love you Amy and I really want you to see this, when He does that. Or maybe He just knows that He needs to speak loud and clear with me, well, here am I Lord, your servant, I am listening!)

I'm so excited for this season of life. I'm stoked to continue tomorrow on this adventure of knowing Him who my soul loves.

Pictures

2008-12-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

The first three pictures are from our Bethany College of Missions Christmas Party. These are my crazy friends Dave, Nicole, Jason, and Caleb.

These are a few of the people in my class (the Januaries!) Rachelle, Mitch, David, Sasha, Jessie, and me!

Some more wonderful friends at the party. Rachele, Rebecca, Kyndra, Katelyn, Bonnie, Diane, and Brianna.

This was during our college visit days called Paradox in October.This is in the Bethany House of Prayer, where I will be doing the internship with in January.

Sasha on the left, Laura in the middle, then me! These two have been my best friends at BCOM. Sasha just left to fundraise for her internship in Thailand, and Laura is moving to Missouri to finish up her BA in intercultural communications. I'm going to miss having them near!

This is my cell group minus Kyndra (and Aubyn). This was during our fall retreat... we went apple picking and made homemade apple pies! Fun time!

A group of us went out for Chinese food to say goodbye to Suzanna. (She's the girl from China in the center of the picture!)

Getting a Vision..

2008-12-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

Starting in January I will be done with classes for a while, and I'm jumping into an internship with BHOP (Bethany House of Prayer) right on my school's campus. I'm beginning to get a vision for what to study for start of the year (maybe even the whole year!):

I want the Lord to teach me how to pray. So... I'm going to study the prayer that Jesus prays when He teaches His disciples how to pray, and the prayer he prays in John 17.

I also want to learn more of what it looks like to walk in the Spirit. So I'm going to study Matthew 5-7, Jesus' sermon of how to live out his Kingdom principles.

That's all I know so far, but I'm so excited!! I want to dive into the Word like I never have before and to get to know more fully the One I love!

What is your vision summed up in a few sentences my random blog (that I never update) reader friend??

My Heart's Cry

2008-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

My class at Bethany College of Missions right now is called Kingdom Lifestyle. It is focusing in on defining wholehearted love, and one of my heart prayers for years has been to be wholehearted. I pray it, I say it, I sing it, I read about it, I struggle with what that looks like, I just know that I want it to be reality in me... and over the past month I've begun, emphasis on begun, to understand with my heart (past intellect to deep within) why that is. Nita Steiner taught us in class that "innate in our makeup is dissatisfaction with half-heartedness and a yearning to love and be loved to the uttermost." Yes! Yes! Yes! That's me!

To give some words to it, wholeheartedness is...

a place of safety
the greatest commandment (Mk. 12:30)
living from the inside out
what we were created for

All I know is that I am on this journey into wholeheartedness, and will be my whole life, and it is glorious and beautiful! It is a life of saying "yes" to the Lord, over and over, little by little, again and again. This is how He fills us! This is how we absorb this great Living Water that is readily available to us all the time!

This song played my heartstrings today:

"You love better, You love sweeter than all I've ever known.
You love deeper, You love truer than all I've ever known.
You love stronger, You love purer than all I've ever known.

I have never known a love so healing.
I have never known a love so freeing.
I have never known a love so wooing.

I've come alive!
I've come alive!
I've come alive in Your love!"

Lord thank you for your love! Thank you for this deep reality, that we are loved by the King of heaven and of earth. Thank you for not relenting until You have all of us. Thank you that you came, and you died, to redeem Your bride!

We love you today, We say "yes" to whatever you are doing, whatever you say, however you lead us!

One Thing: Our God is a Jealous God

2008-10-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

The Lord deposited a seed of urgency within my heart last Friday night at the One Thing conference here in Minneapolis, and this is what I wrote in my journal and on facebook, but for those of you that didn't read those (well at least I'm pretty certain that none of you read my journal... haha) I will share with you my prayer and the revelation that the Lord spoke to my heart through Allan Hood speaking what was on His heart. Friday I wrote:

I'm just going to "pray it out" because I really don't know how else to express it.

God give me eyes to see, when you shake everything that can be shaken, let my heart not be offended. Let my heart be in a position to receive from You. Oh that I would deal with my sin radically. I want a redefining of sin in my own mentality. That it wouldn't be a casual thing, the cheap grace mentality, but I would yearn and desire wholeheartedly to be holy as You are Holy. That I would see sin as equaling death and destruction. That I would be able to know Your nature, who You are, and discern the season we are in, what You're doing.

You came once as the Lamb, the perfect sacrifice to draw all men to yourself, and You will come again, but not to bear sin-- no that was already done, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for You. (Heb. 9:27-28) And that day, when You come will be the MOST GLORIOUS day *for those who are waiting for You*. Oh Lord that I would remain, abide, be waiting anxiously for that day. As a bride waits for the bridegroom, that I would wait for You... this kind of longing, aching, and unsatisfaction with anything less.

But for those who oppose You, Lord You are just. You will vanquish all the enemies of love on that day. Just like Allan said, "I love you all but I would not share my wife with you." God You will not "share us" with any lesser lover. Anything that gets in the way of us loving You with ALL of our heart, soul, mind, and strength-- You will shake until You return. You are after a wholehearted bride. Make me, as part of Your bride, align with your heart.

If we say that You are not the God of love because of this fiery jealousy, then we would be so mistaken. Because, as Allan said, the God of Calvary will dignify love with righteousness and justice. Your character-- who You are WILL be known on that day. And help us give wise council on who You are now, in this hour, as we prepare for Your return! Oh that we would feel the urgent tug on our hearts to prepare the way for your coming, to really KNOW YOU and make Your fullness known, even those aspects that don't give us the warm fuzzies when we think of them.

Let us not shy away from this message, for if we do, we neglect to sound the alarm as danger approaches. Give us a holy fear of Your Name, that we would know we serve a jealous God, wanting all of us because You are the Faithful and True One. That we would so desire Your Name to receive glory that nothing will withhold us from abandoned surrender and a pressing urgency that drives us to our faces that we may remain in a posture of waiting… Awaken us, Awaken us, Let the light of Your Countenance shine on us!

It's All Coming Together

2008-08-30T21:37:00.001-07:00

Hello dear friends!!

It's been a long while since I've given you an update, a touch of what I've been learning here at Bethany College of Missions, how the God has been moving in my life, so let me try to show you one way the Lord has led me this year!

Only by God's grace, many of you know me as a woman who loves to pray, and believe me it has been a progressive journey. Well... when I first arrived at BCOM, we had the option to write a paper for a scholarship for excellence in ministry. So as I thought of what to write about, prayer came to mind. I wrote about the awesome powerful 9-10pm every day prayer meetings in Danforth Chapel my freshman year at the University of Iowa when Jesse Bradly was still around. I wrote about my experience with the Justice House of Prayer in Washington DC for three months my junior year. And I wrote about starting the prayer room "The Ark" in Iowa City with Nick and Joel and others. And for some reason I found myself writing at the end of my paper that I felt like in experience and giftings the Lord could use me in mobilizing people to pray overseas. To make prayer the focus, the center and furnace of all of the movement to reach the people of the country that the prayer room is in.

At the end of April, The Bethany House of Prayer had a confrence called Contend. Jaeson Ma was one of the events speakers, and he powerfully carried with him the gift of prophecy. He prophesied over a few of my close friends, making me cry as I could see him encourage them in huge ways how God would use their giftings, this all coming from a man who did not personally know them! Amazing how God chooses to encourage the body of Christ in this way! For my sceptical possibly evangelical background friends that may not think God speaks in these gifts any more today, Surprised by the Voice of God by Jack Deere is a great read for you, God used it to change my heart for sure!

The last night of the conference, after being shaken by God, I prayed as I walked back to my dorm room, God come and have your way in me! I prayed that He would have my dreams, my passions, my gifts, my desires. I told Him I lay down even good things that I believe you have placed in me, like my desire to live in a Muslim country. And I prayed (because I wanted to know to decide whether to go on internship with my class to Thailand or not.. I am not) Lord, would you just be clear with me, make it plain, I need you to speak to me Good Shepherd, I am your sheep in desperate need to hear my Shepherd's voice. I need this one area to be clear, and if you tell me yes, I will pursue all I can learn on these people and I will go where you send me!

Well it just so happened that the very next day was our spring break, and Jaeson and I were both flying to LA, and you guessed it, on the same exact flight!! So in the Denver airport, Jaeson asked me what I wanted to do after school at Bethany. I wanted to just say what I knew, so I said that I felt God calling me to plant prayer rooms, but I was unsure on the specifics. Jaeson jumped in and began to prophesy over me, right there sitting in the airport chairs. He listed some countries, and then looked at me and said, "The Muslim world, huh?" with a smile and a knowing glimmer in his eyes. This part of his word for me was a specific confirmation to what I had just prayed the night before! It was so clear I began to cry hard on the next plane as I prayed over what I had just received.

So as I've been here at BCOM and around BHOP for two terms, I have realized that Bethany is dedicated to raise up lovesick worshipers of Jesus to go out and marry missions and prayer on the field. This place is unique in that, leadership realizes the importance of a life like Rees Howells, a wonderful men dedicated to 1. Loving God in a hugely sacrifical way 2. Loving others by interceeding for them and seeing great and powerful signs and wonders by this lifestyle.

This is why I was made, this is my design, to make the great commandment and the great commission come alive in my life. There is so much to still grasp, to still be confirmed, to still dream up, but I am beginning to see how it is all coming together.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:28

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement!
Miss all you Iowa friends, JHOP friends, and graduated BCOM friends! Bless y'all!

Life at BCOM

2008-03-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

After a semester of working two jobs in Iowa City and saving up money, I moved to Bloomington MN (where the mall of America is) and have started school at Bethany College (BCOM). The past few months have been absolutely wonderful, and I feel as though I am living every day under the smile and peace of God. Something that sums up my time here so far is that I am learning about how much of a paradox the Kingdom of God is. To live, you must die. To gain, you must give. I'm so excited to press into learning, and growing, and loving. This time is not only a training period, it is also a time to be all that God made me for-- here and now. I will run the race set before me!

Here's a typical day in my shoes:
7:25 - alarm 1 : doesn't even phase me
7:35- alarm 2 : reluctantly get up and get ready
8:00- Class hour 1: We have one main class at a time, so subjects we've had so far have been Old Testament II, Acts, Missions II, Fund raising, Theology II, and now a class on 1 Corinthians.
9:00- Class hour 2: Chapel Mondays, or more class
10:00- Class hour 3: More lovely class
11:00- Class hour 4: Class, Preparation for Ministry Mondays, Prayer Ministry Tuesdays, class
Once a week we have Power of the Cross class, where we talk about something difficult and possibly controversial, and then we have two hours of "cell group" or Bible study time (my group is pictured above, and consists of all of the girls that started in January!)
12:00- LUNCH dude, this is no ordinary cafeteria food, it is some home cookin' goodness
1:00-5:00- Practical Training (PT) I work in the admissions office as a supervisor and caller. This is to give us practical training (duh) in a work atmosphere, and people are placed in positions all over campus. This is an amazing job, I'm so blessed to be working with great people, and learning so much about how to be personable on the phone, and learning how to speak truth with love! I don't always feel like working, but I know it's for the Kingdom, and it's teaching me a lot!
5:00 - Dinner... mmm...
After that - Read, go to the prayer chapel, study the Word, go hang out with friends, etc.

What God has been teaching me:

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." -Jonathan Wolfgang Von Gothe
Am I constantly being offended by God? If not, am I being conformed to His image, or is He being conformed to mine?
"...give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name..." -Psalm 86:11-13
Learning what "to worship him in spirit and in truth" means (John 4:23-24)
I must go low(get humble), pour myself out at His feet, and be faithful with the small.

Story Time, come-- gather 'round and Mama Nox will tell you a story!

Speaking Tounges in Azerbajan -- This was a story told to us by Fred Markert, international director of YWAM who taught our Missions II class.

Azerbajan was just opened for outsiders to come live there, and after two months Fred and a group of people went to encourage the people living there, working for Jesus. So Fred and a pastor friend of his were at the well, getting water for the day next to an Azerbajani man. All of the sudden Fred's friend turns to him and says, "Fred, God just spoke to me and said that we should speak in tounges to this Azerbajani man." And Fred, confused just says, "Well, I don't really know, but you better obey God." So he turned to the man and began speaking in a language he didn't understand. The man, excited, begins speaking back to him. They continued on like this. Fred said he began to think, "I want to get in on this!", so he began to speak to the Azerbajani man too! And the man spoke back to him. Then the Azerbajani man motioned for them to wait here, and ran to get his son that spoke English. The son came to Fred and his friend and said to them, "It is impossible that you have learned our language so quickly, we have only been open such a short time, and you are speaking fluently. No university teaches our language, tell me how do you speak so fluently?" And Fred answers with a smile, "We have a really good Teacher." Then the boy asks Fred how he knows all the buildings they will have in Azerbajan, and Fred gets out a notebook and pen and asks the boy exactly what his pastor friend and him said to the boy's father. The boy begins to tell him of an office they will have downtown, and a hospital on the east side of a city, and the language school they will build. And thing after thing, Fred writes down strategy that the Holy Spirit divinely put in their mouthes to begin to impact Azerbajan for Jesus. To this day, Fred told us, all things are up and running. Hard to believe? This whole class set our eyes on how incredibly big God is, and how awesome He is!
"The LORD will be awesome to them when he destroys all the gods of the land.The nations on every shore will worship him, every one in its own land."
-Zephaniah 2.11

Homeless friend Julie --

One freezing Sunday, after church, we met a homeless woman by the doors asking if anyone could give her a ride to the nearest bus stop. I was with three friends, so at first it seemed inconvenient and I was hesitant. When God gives you an opportunity to love and to serve, it isn't always perfect timing, I would have loved to just eat lunch with my friends and get to know them better, but I made a choice to grab the opportunity and began a conversation with this kind-hearted woman. I told her we were heading to Panara for a soup lunch, but she was welcome to join us and afterward we would drop her off at a bus stop. So she came with us. She told me many stories, and I learned that she loves the Lord, and talks about Him to all her homeless friends. She said that she could never go overseas like us, because she wasn't brave enough, but I saw so much strength in her. We sat at a table in Panara, and as she shared, I was able to love on her and show her some passages, and reaffirm her in some things, and speak truth about some lies she was beginning to see on her own. She doubted her salvation, she questioned if she would always be homeless, but she did love Jesus. She told me she prays everyday for provision to live off of, and a warm place to sleep. She had been through many trials, and so after lunch I asked if we could pray with her. We were able to pray for her, for her tooth pain, for her provision, and as we were praying she would quietly throw out requests-- always for her friends around her. Then she prayed for us. She prayed that God would provide the perfect internship sight for us to go and serve him overseas, she prayed for God to provide our every need, and for God to bless us for our kindness. Talk about humbling. God taught us all so much through Julie, it was beautiful.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4.19